Remarkably, there is some good news. Although Glenn Maxwell is still away, Rory Burns, Joe Denly and Mr Mark Wood are all back.
Out goes Daniel Lawrence, youth policy Max “Averaging 8” Holden and poor Mohammad Amir.
David Warner, James Vince, Olly Pope look “handy” at bat.
Bowling-wise, Chris “under-utilised by me at Sussex” Jordan, Jofra “never get a bloody chance to utilise you because you’re never here” Archer and George “oh just piss off you’re being silly now” Garton are all in Southampton’s ranks. The traitorous tools.
We win the toss. The weather looks awful.
I sling them in to bat.
Rain stops play.
They reduce the match to 50 balls.
As if McNugget Cricket could get any dumber.
Everyone’s favourite Australian export, Warner, takes first guard with Vince at the other end.
We load the fields for Toby Roland-Jones taunting them to hit to their – allegedly – weaker on-sides. 15-0 off 5.
Jade Dernbach limits them to 5 in his over before TR-J gets Vince lbw.
Northamptonshire’s Josh Cobb is his replacement. His second ball, he snicks off and Adam Rossington takes the gouge. 22-2.
This brings to the wicket Surrey and England Ollie “Poor Man’s Ian Bell” Pope.
We work through our overs. By 30/50 balls, they’re 43-2 and we have Wood and Roelof van der Merwe turning their arms over.
Denly takes the death over. Mainly because I’ve completely mismanaged the bowling.
He gets splatted for 13.
They end 84-2.
London Blue’s Innings:
Burns nearly gets out first ball to Archer but survives because the ball is swinging too much.
He nearly gets caught on the boundary later the same over.
Going well then.
As we move to 17, Garton gets shot of Burns, whose innings I could generously describe as “lacking in self confidence.”
Speaking of self confidence, I’d quite like Zak Crawley and Denly to savage Garton’s confidence in retribution for his poor form for me. Because I’m a bitter and petty man.
Anyway, 17-1, 18/50 balls gone.
Crawley and Denly do well. However, they just can’t get it away enough.
As the final over arrives, we need 30 from 5.
We don’t do it.
We lose by 21 runs.
How much of this drivel is there left again?
I discover this is the last game of the tournament. We’ve finished rock bottom.
But, what is this hoving into view at Hove’s finest seafront? That would be the County Championship.